Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
