Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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