My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
well you can't waste a boner
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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