I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
