dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
