So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
