he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
