and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
