We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
