evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
