last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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