That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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