Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
