The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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