So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
