I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
