I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
