Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
