Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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