So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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