lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
