They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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