Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
