You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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