she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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