omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
