You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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