Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
