The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
