I met the friendliest cop last night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
