That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
