The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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