I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
