I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
