i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
