Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize