**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything about him screamed your future.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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