My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
