I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
