mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
