we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
