I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
