that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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