I am puke
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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