I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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