OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The uberlube is also flammable
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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