don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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