when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
