apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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