it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
