you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she pinky promised me she was 18
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
