Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
