im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am never drinking with the goths again.