I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life