This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
